My Omahype New Years post
I just wrote a piece about my last year for my friend Laura’s website OMAHYPE. You can check out the article here or read it below. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
“The Love and Fear of a 2011 struggling artist”
By: Nik Fackler
I have had a growing fear in me: That this burden of constant stress will finally cave and I’ll be left with nothing but the fear I was afraid of 25 words back. (Did you check?) I’ve dedicated 15 years of my life to learning no other skills besides how to efficiently create things and let go of my grasp of reality slightly to do so honestly. To start over now and fall into any other field besides artistry would really be disheartening. No, there is no turning back as I move slowly into what looks to be a very dim, but somehow beautiful, transformation of our economic culture. I’m at a point of make or break now as I, choosing artistry as my career, may not have a chance in the near future to make any money from it at all. The flop and balance being that any person creating for purely capitalist reasons will be weeded out. This is that loosening of the mainstream we’ve all been so eager for. But then what would we have to complain about?
About a year ago I decided that in order for me to efficiently “Give myself” to my work and succeed fiscally and with my honor intact I must stop working as a waiter at my parents’ diner and solely give myself to my career as an artist. I was to eliminate as many monthly bills as I could, live from couch to couch and only take in money from my art — which was to force me to work harder and begin my next project(s) faster. So I quit my job, put two braids in my hair and moved out of my house. My only monthly bill was my phone bill. Each braid was to represent a project I was to accomplish and upon that accomplishment I would cut off the braid. A constant fire under my ass to complete my goals — both a sigil and an extremely annoying reminder of how much time I’m taking.
So here I sit typing — one year later. Both braids are still intact and are now twice as long. I hate them. I have learned to only really buy food and have easily found a way to be happy not receiving the seductive comfort of buying stuff. I’ve realized I have been on an immense cleanse from the capitalist cultural schematic and the result is a lot of pressure and stress. I have had to borrow a lot of money from very supportive friends who believe in me. I happily accepted and am in a state of gratuity for all of them — this has only made me work harder in order to pay them back for their support. But the stress can sometimes feel too much. I never want others to feel I am using them and I don’t like the guilt I feel not “Making things happen” fast enough. Film especially has it’s own way of teaching even the most impatient how to sit down and deal with it. It can be torture.
That being said:
I have had a growing love in me: That this constant feeling of pure emotion I experience as I give myself to something which feels impossible, will help to create the bravery I must pretend to have until it’s as real as the word 38 words ago. (Did you check this time?) (Doubt it. HA! I made you trust.) I have nothing but pure intentions with what I make and the act of creation is the only connection I have truly found which connects me to a spirit that I have no explanation for. I suppose the first human experience was a “feeling” and we’ve been chasing it ever since. How do we feel something new? Jump from an airplane? Shoot a gun? Fall in Love? Find God? How do we converse with a world we are so different from (which is the precise reason why our diverse existence is so beautiful)?
When I was 18 I used to scream as loud as I could about wanting to change the world and I’ve realized now that I already have. And so have you. It is the act of how you interact and the attention you give to the world which changes it. There is something infinite in each of us and we all have different diverse ways of reaching it. For me it is creating and giving myself away to that creation — all with a hope of connecting in a way I never dreamed possible until I gave attention to it. Within the act of using an imagination is my reason for understanding why I must “be”. Nothing else has stolen its priority in my life.
This is my balance. Typing here — one year later — two dirty braids under my left ear and a growing fear of capitalist culture eventually gobbling me up before I have a chance to make whatever money I can from an industry going through its own personal moment of Shiva (-phew-). 2011 is going to be such an interesting experience. I have 6 feature films written and ready to go. It’s taken me all of this year to write and organize each of the projects and they are now ready to begin their own personal journeys into the world of financing. I (with my band InDreama) have begun playing shows to support the record I finished this year while traveling on the road. A tour is needed and that is my next step to moving forward with creating new feelings and experiences through sound.
These braids will be cut — I have no doubt about it and when they are I will sleep well at night. Not only because I will be able to sleep on my left side again, but because I will again see the example of my love beating my fear and I know no other truth will ever sing a lullaby so beautifully into the ears of the word 1155 words back. (HAHAHAHA TRY ME!)